Brendon

The ambulance was only one third of the way to the hospital when my midwife said ‘What ever you do – don’t push’. I was fully dilated but the baby was breech and the cord was hanging down. It was a long and traumatic half an hour as she held him in for the rest of the journey!

At the hospital I was whisked into theatre ‘ER style’.

Colin arrived at the hospital to be told –“you are too late”– his first thought was that either or both of us had died. They meant he had missed the birth.

We were taken to the neonatal unit to see our baby; I couldn’t see his face, he was hooked up to all sorts of tubes and had an oxygen box over his head.

I asked, “Is there any Down syndrome?” I’ll never be sure why, the question just popped out of my mouth.

The Pediatrician took a step back as though he had been struck –told us there were some features but he couldn’t be sure, we would have the blood results in about ten days.

I instinctively knew there was no doubt, but Colin said, “Don’t say anything to anyone – wait for the test results first.”

It hurt so much it was like a physical pain in my chest, my hopes & dreams seemed shattered and I wasn’t sure if I would ever stop crying.

Colin had not really wanted us to have a second child (as well as our son Chris, he had two older boys from a previous marriage), I felt I was being punished for being so selfish, not content with only one of my own.

Now I had one who could never give me grandchildren.

I felt so isolated and different – I secretly wanted other pregnant mums I knew to have a baby with Down syndrome so I wouldn’t feel so abnormal and alone, so I would believe that it could happen to anyone.

They told us Brendon had a heart defect, I didn’t feel much at first, but thought “just our luck”. Over the next day or two it all sunk in and my concern grew.

My baby had a life threatening condition, Down syndrome didn’t matter so much any more – what was most important was that my baby lived!

I was still hurting, still upset and feeling very cheated and a bit scared of the unknown but I became aware that I wanted my child no matter how he was packaged. Deep inside I knew I could live with Down syndrome and that I would love him. After all that was why I hadn’t had an amniocentesis although I was thirty six.

Brendon was so sick and agitated that at first I was only allowed to hold his hand. After three days they finally let me hold him. As we looked at each other his fitful movements began to ease and he became totally calm. I could feel my own tension draining from me as I felt him relax. Brendon fell into a peaceful sleep in my arms; I drank in the feel of my fragile son, developed a sense of belonging and became besotted. It was a turning point for me, I could finally let all my maternal emotions flow out to him and see he needed me. Although there was still sadness the healing was beginning.